just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
