I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize