She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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