i just sent this text using only my big toe
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize