I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
