i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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