The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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