my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
