life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
