dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
