Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
