There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize