Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Even my vagina gasped.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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