I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
