If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
There's always time for handjobs
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize