I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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