OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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