I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
