I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
