Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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