I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
