I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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