just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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