you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
