Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
