I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
