Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
