I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize