The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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