Just fell off a train. Bad.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
