Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
