I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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