I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
