So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
