Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So many bounce houses so little time
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
