we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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