My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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