woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
