Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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