Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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