I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
