I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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