Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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