My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
