Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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