hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
