This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
