Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
