One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
