did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
