i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
