and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
