I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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