Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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