please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
