I have demons in me.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
