I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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