soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
