i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize