Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
